the calm surrounds me, engulfing me in a warm blanket. i force it to remain, i force my body to stop shaking. i deny the feelings of need and want within me. i refuse to acknowledge their existance.

and the people start screaming and a new song beings. i am calm and everything becomes so significant that nothing really matters anymore.

and the words flow from the tip of the pen. i listen to the clickings of the scratches of nothing and everything. i wish the world to stop turning and i close my eyes for a second and it does but when i open them everything comes flowing back.

does anyone really know the world?

i was naive, your love was like candy
artifically sweet, i was deceived by the wrapping
got caught in your web and i learned how to bleed
i was prey in your bed and devoured completely

and it hurts my soul cause i can't let go
all these walls are caving in, i can't stop my suffering
i hate to show that i lost control
cause i keep going right back
to the one thing that i need
to walk away from.

i should have known that i was used for amusement
couldn't see through the smoke, it was all an illusion
now i've been licking my wounds
but the venom seeps deeper
but we both can seduce, but darlin you hold me prisoner

"walk away" - c.aguilera


*dedicated*

yeah.
so.
i was going to get coffee with kayla, but that fell through because by the time i was about to turn into her housing development i called her and she was at the zoo. yeah, she should have called me and told me she wasn't going to be home at the time i told her i'd pick her up, because i am officially broke now. whatev. i refused to be treated that way but everybody deserves a second chance.

dad went out with grace tonight, no surprise. she doesn't have much to say to me, but i think i prefer it that way. josh just left a few minutes ago, we hung out for a bit. i wish i could talk to him. he's the only one of my cousins on this side of the family that would listen to me.

go ahead and get your boohoo's and your omg's and your why's out of the way because i'm about to let you know now that i haven't cut since i've moved here until tonight and don't try to tell me it's stupid because i haven't felt that relaxed and calm in the entire four months i have been here. no drug can give you the same high that inflicting pain upon yourself gives you, especially if you're as messed up in the head as i am.

i know what i need but it's out of reach. i need love. for someone to look at me and tell me they love me without holding back. the people who love me do it because they feel they have to. as time goes by the people who have to love me disappear. eventually i'll be left with nothing. and that's okay, because i'll always have my razorblade.

go right on ahead. judge the fuck out of me, and see if i care.

so much for being positive.

goodnight.

i went to dinner with kim, jenni, & abby tonight. it was fun, but i'm officially broke. kind of sad that the whole time i was too busy thinking about other things, but that's the story of my life. i'm not going to push my problems onto other people, especially when they're having a good time and it'd probably just ruin everything. my life is all about the hushhush, and that's okay for now. this weekend is all about healing emotionally for me. next weekend i will let go.

yes, i got a new livejournal. i don't write as much as i'd like to so hopefully this will be some motivation. i'm going to try to make this as positive as possible, because the time i spent in irmo has been set apart from the present. even though it was not that long ago, it's a part of the far past that i will forget with time. i've got nobody guiding me but i no longer feel lost. parents are overbearing, especially mothers because they think they know what's best for their daughters. unfortunately, only i know what's best for me and i try my best to make decisions to better benefit my inner self and my future. the people who mean everything to me have stuck by my side.. the ones that are lost have lost more than they will ever know. mentally i have bloomed into the most beautiful rose, pure, untouched, because for the first time in all of my life things are starting to fall into place. everything from the change in my father to the distance between my mother and me. i have found something positive out of everything that has happened and most importantly i have found freedom. in the last year i have experienced love, loss, betrayal, hate, and i knowingly put myself on the path to alcoholism, finally realizing that it's not getting me anywhere.

welcome to my daily ramblings. don't expect it to be anything like before.